Diary 01: Discovery and Chaos
Heads up, this stuff is DEEP. For some reason, I am at my most creative and inspired when I feel frustrated. My life currently lacks chaos, something that I need so desperately to keep me sane. So, that’s why I’m here, writing this.
* You need to understand that when I say chaos, I don’t mean drama. I mean the need to fill my world with experiences, people, places and activities. It sounds pretty normal, but the need is constant*
I try to find inspiration within books, Pinterest quotes and podcasts. I never succeed. I only ever find true inspiration, through real-life encounters. The people I meet, the conversations I have, and the places that I stumble across often become my stories. In the end, we become stories too.
Creativity for me is writing. My writing is often found in notebooks thrown to the bottom of my handbag. I also write late at night. When I’m trying to sleep, I’ll open the notebook app on my phone and scribble the real-life ramblings down onto a dimly lit (and extremely cracked) phone screen.
I’ve been meaning to start writing a diary-style post for a while now. I guess a consistent “brain dump” is my idea of looking after myself (note - I despise the term “self care.”) I feel a sigh of relief when things are written down but then again, it’s also a little scary. I guess that’s why I want to keep this online “diary” consistent. More for myself, rather than for you.
I have discovered a few things recently. Why I am, how I am. I thrive off of chaos and shy away from the feeling of contentness. I have never been content. Ever. I AM HAPPY, but not content. Close friends and family will know this. I am never content with what I have, I am never content with how things are. I always want more. More trips, more work commitments, more projects, more events in the calendar, new pathways, new friendships, more meaning, more PURPOSE. I get itchy feet otherwise. Seriously, inactivity triggers major restless leg syndrome. It sounds kind of funny that this feeling can cause such ridiculous body ticks (like tourettes for the body, lol!)
At the moment this feeling is strong. To the point where it’s making me incredibly frustrated. Even slightly upset. Lost, possibly. Maybe I should blame it on the time of year.
I think I’ve drilled it into my mind that this feeling is a problem. And I guess it is to a certain extent. It worries me, especially being surrounded by people who are content (mostly.) I feel like a kid at school that just wants to run riot during reading time whilst all the other kids are happy to sit down and listen until it’s home time (outrageous simile I know but it’s the first one that came to mind.)
I guess it stems back to the age thing; everyone does their thing at their own pace and that’s okay. I just find it difficult to accept sometimes. I feel like I’ve been left behind when everyone else is moving forward. Especially when everyone around me is happily settled with new houses, a ring around their finger, their own pet, babies and lavish holidays to the Caribbean. I am genuinely so happy for those people. There is nothing better than seeing the people you grew up with/care about happy.
I still can’t help but feel left behind. I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. This year I started a business and of course that was always going to effect things, but I mean, I still live at home (side note - I am forever grateful for this option and my parents are AMAZING, but you guys will know that at 25 it is not completely ideal.) I guess that’s a part of growing up though, right?
Sometimes I think that it’s a Cornwall thing. I guess it’s easier to settle down in Cornwall (at a younger age) than it is in a city. I spent two years in London, and I never felt the pressure to settle. Ever.
I have to trust the timing of my life. I’m sure the feeling of content will hit me one day, but right now I still have itchy feet, and for some painful reason, it won’t go away.
5 Things that I Learnt in 2018